Memory 1: Waves Of Pain (Blue Heart)

I wrote this two years ago after listening to some "emo" music. I was thinking of a dear friend and suddenly felt an urge to write about what I feel for him. Yes, I admired my friend and developed feelings for him. I liked him more than a friend and this was a product of my innermost feelings for him. I never had the courage to tell him right away. It took me two years before I finally gave my confession letter on our graduation day. Also, I think this would be a perfect reflection of me, growing up. I always boxed myself and never really risked anything. I was always afraid of something when I was young. I still have those fears but I think I can handle them better now. 

So here's a bit about my childhood and my admiration to a dear friend "blue heart."

Heart's laid on the palm of the man she adores, wishing he takes her into his arms and love her. But, that doesn't happen all the time; some things are not bound to happen. No matter how hard you push yourself, if he won't take you in, you cannot do anything about it anymore. 


A woman then unveils her mask and a face of a hurting child is revealed. Love caught her off guard again and again; there is nothing else she can do but break down. Despite everything, you will always see her smiling as though nothing happened, as if she never felt any pain. A face of a hurting child is kept once again as she puts back her mask and deceives everyone that surrounds her with an endearing smile.

Pain agonizing her each time she put up a face opposing her real self. It is against her will to be someone else but the world is pushing her to the limits. She is weak, too vulnerable to fight back. She has been battling with herself and another war is too much to bear. She draws strength from the mask she wears. This mysterious and powerful mask keeps her distant to all that surrounds her. The mask must be more than just a glitterati or odd one. Did she sell herself to the devil? Questions will only be questions unless someone answers it. 


Yowling with pain as she mentions the name of the one she loves brings a wave of pain in her heart, mind, soul and every bit of her. She surrenders the moment she speaks about him. There is no one else that removes that mask but him. The reason why she cannot win the battle within herself is because her heart is not with her, metaphorically. The man, who rejected her heart, is where she left it. She expects nothing in return for she is already satisfied with the rarest encounters she have with him. But, when will it come to an end? The waves of pain come like a snap of a finger. This fight will not end unless she takes one step forward and end it herself. 

Probably, she is confused by her own words. She is a battleground where she battles with her heart and mind. Her heart is where the child dwells, where the truth and pain hand-in-hand resides, the purest and truest of her. Her mind is where the mask overpowers her, cradling her superficial imaginings, disappointments and frustrations, the feelings she cannot suppress. The cure is within her heart. If she cannot find it, it may be the end of her.

Love is just one side of her and yet it takes her all in. How can love overpower her this way if there is no concrete reason at all? Everything she draws from abstraction. Is the man she speaks about only a product of her imaginations? What is real? What is unreal? I am now disoriented with her thoughts. With this, I give up. Would you take a chance and explore her story?