Memory 17: Unfinished

 I lost the interest on pursuing to finish it. Guess I'm not that dedicated to write fan fictions anymore.


Here's the last chapter of my unfinished fan fiction project...

CHAPTER 3

The Beginnings

I scanned my checklist and my suitcase to check if ever I forgot something. My gadgets, clothes and other stuffs are already packed. I am ready for the Italy photo shoot. I am all set.

The house helper knocked and handed me my tickets delivered from the airline. Two tickets, one for Italy and the other one for Korea. I showed my tickets to my parents. My dad was surprised, “Why are you going to Korea? You’ve only told us about your work in Italy.” I showed my illustration and tried to explain in a comprehendible manner. My dad got even more confused with what I am trying to convey. Before my dad loses his temper, my mom just said, “Let her find herself or whatever that illustration means to her. She’s old enough. Just take care, honey. By the way, how much do you need?” I assured them I will come back after two weeks and I’ll come back safely. I told them what they deposited on my account is enough because Andrew will pay me for the shoot I am going to do in Italy. He will also accommodate me in their home. What I have and what I will get is more than enough for the two trips.

Again, the resounding “I am all set” comes into my mind. But I realized, am I really ready? I am unsure of my journey. I don’t know if I am looking for myself or I just need to take a break from work and personal problems. But, I have decided to go and try my luck, if ever I have one.

Before I test the luck I am talking, I should settle documents and guide my staff for a ton of work for two weeks I will be gone. I called my ever reliable business partner and close friend Elisha, “E, I need you! Be in Korea three days after I give you call from Italy. Got it?”

Since I’ve started running my own company, Elisha has been very supportive with my venture. She never left my side. She is my partner, my head designer, fashion consultant, marketing manager and my close friend. We named the company “LEINTODELO” which means lens (photography), print (publishing) and modelo (a Filipino term for model). We’ve been in the business for three years already but, the recognition we received was more than those who is more than ten years in the business. I am much honored to be known as one of the youngest entrepreneurs in the Philippines and a well-rounded photographer for print and advertising business. I won’t be able to reach this far if it weren’t for Elisha’s creative and corporate inputs. Fashion and marketing that is her forte.“I got it Sajee! I’ll ask about the details of this sudden trip when we see each other in three days. I will appoint three of the best assistants we have here to take charge for awhile and report from time to time. All set?” She’s really great when it comes to professionalism. “Hmm, seems like you’re more prepared than me, Elisha. See you in three days.” I hanged up and she probably knew I was not in the right mind that time.

My flight is 8 o’clock in the evening. I have to be six hours early which makes 2 in the afternoon as my call time. It was only 10AM that time but, I started getting ready for my trip. It took me an hour in the bathroom making sure I am well groomed for my trip because the moment I land in Italy, I will start working. Also, knowing that Andrew will be there and the weird “I miss you” he told me during our short conversation last week, this work will going to be a stressful one for me. God, help me!

Memory 16: Making The Impossible, Possible

In RPG, you can do whatever you want and even make yourself the wealthiest and luckiest in the world. I hope this one's  true because I really want to travel and work in a prestigious company. As they say in Filipino, "Libre ang mangarap."


Here's Chapter 2 of my unfinished fan fiction project...

CHAPTER 2

The Search

Bacon, eggs, fried rice and hot chocolate, coming right up! I smelled the very appetizing breakfast. For sure, my dad cooked it for us. He is a good cook! I wish I can cook like him too.

With much enthusiasm to eat a very satisfying breakfast, I pulled myself out of my sheets, sat down at the edge of my bed, breathed heavily and stretched. I went to my Michael Jackson inspired bathroom (classic black and white), washed my face, brushed my teeth and did the rest of my morning routine. I combed my hair, plugged my phone on the charger, fixed my bed quickly and went downstairs.

I greeted my parents and my cousin and sat quietly next to him. We had our yummy and heavy breakfast together. We updated each other with our activities yesterday. When it was my turn to share, I didn’t have second thoughts to tweak my story to sound like it was a normal day. But, the look my cousin gave me made me anxious and immediately, I ended my story.

We continued eating our meals and when we’re done, my mom stood up and piled the dishes and brought them to the sink. My dad went to the living room and watched a news program. Me and my cousin, we went upstairs.

He went with me to my room and told me that he knew what I did yesterday. I was totally freaked out. Speechless, that is. He told me, he saw me at the park looking like a crazy person. At first, he didn’t mind me and thought I was just conceptualizing for my forthcoming photo shoot. Then, after approximately two hours, he went back nearby the park to deposit his salary to his bank account and supposedly, go home early. Still curious of what I was really doing there before heading home, he checked if I was still there at the big tree and waited for me to go home.

From my weird reflection at the big tree, ran back and forth from the electronic shop to the internet café, rode the bus, wandered beside the window, walked lousily towards home, he was just a few steps behind me. All the while, he was like a stalker following me home. He was really concerned that I might meet an accident along the way after I acted differently from the park. It was nice of him to watch over me with all his stuffs? Why did he went home an hour late than me?

He told me, “I ate at the diner and rested my arms and feet for a couple of minutes because I brought all of my paper works. I can’t imagine you didn’t grab something to eat after your ‘reflection’, if that is what you call it, at the park.” Michael is such an unbelievable human person who is very suspicious and sometimes weird. So I guess I wasn’t the only person who has a quarter of weird-ness in character. I have no choice but to tell him what really happened. I do trust him, anyway.

At first, he said it was absolutely impossible and regarding it as a coincidence is extremely extraordinary, knowing that a thing like that doesn’t fall under the category of coincidence. I told him everything and he just groaned, “You’ve got to be kidding me, Sajee!” He stood up, opened the door and before he closes it, he laughed at me. I was offended but then, I have to accept the reality of my out-of-mind activity.

I was left alone in my room. When silence reminds me of my loneliness, I tend to think of things that are very depressing and mind-boggling. I then remember what my cousin told me that “...Regarding it as a coincidence is extremely extraordinary…” really makes sense. Coincidence is not the right term. There is something behind it. I feel it.

I turned the computer on, pulled one of the drawers and get a notebook and pen, and opened Google Chrome. I pretended that I am a detective and researched on Kang-in the whole day. After the many hours of immersing myself on the computer, my research was completed at around 7PM.

I rested on my bed for an hour and went to bath. I hummed a familiar tune from last night while showering, “…I want to spend my lifetime loving you, if that is all in life I’d ever do…” Why that particular song?

I dressed up, read my research and kept it in my drawer. I took out my illustration from my bag and went to my cousin’s room. I knocked and he immediately opened the door. I told him, “Do you think I should go where this person is?” I handed him my illustration. He suspiciously looked at me and suddenly, my cousin jaw dropped. “What are you thinking, huh? Are you taking drugs?” he added. He’s right. I don’t know what is happening with me. I just felt this urge to go and find him. I looked at my cousin’s eyes and I don’t know what he saw in my eyes that made him say, “Go. You’ll be leaving soon for Italy to meet up with Andrew for a photo shoot, right? You can extend your trip…” Oh. I forgot about Andrew. I answered, “Right, for the portfolio. Hmm, and that’s a good idea. I’ll cut short my trip to Italy and spend one a half weeks in Korea. I got it. I’ll call him right now.” He just smirked.

I went out of my cousin’s room and called Andrew but, it suddenly went to his voicemail. I will just left a message. “Hey. Hi Drew! The shoot is still on, okay? I’ll be there next week but, I can’t stay for a week just like what we’ve planned. I need to leave after 3 days. I need to go to Korea. Is it…” He picked up and answered me. There was a weird sound from the other line and after a few seconds, he spoke “Oh, sorry for the voicemail. I had something to do. Hmm, I thought you’ll stay for a week but, if that’s your decision, it’s okay with me. I MISS YOU…” I was shocked with the ‘I miss you’ part of his answer but I answered, “Yeah. I need to find someone in Korea. See you soon. Bye…” I heard him saying something else but, I ignored it and ended my call.

I can’t have anyone mess with my mind. It’s pretty messed up already. I think I am really going to be crazy. But before that happens, I called the airlines to book another flight.

I told my parents that I won’t join them in dinner because I feel sick. They got worried but, I assured them I just need to sleep early. I texted Michael who is at his room doing some office work, “I called him. At first, it was his voicemail and before I ended my call, he picked it up. He told me he misses me. He’s weird. Have you guys spoken already? Can you ask him what’s going on with him? I am concern but, I am feeling awkward already. Good night, cousin.” I waited for his message alert tone before I entered my room.

When I got inside, I took two pillows and a blanket and lay it down on the carpet. I fixed the curtains so the cool wind will come inside my room. I chose to sleep there beside the door to the balcony and gaze upon the stars. I was waiting for a wishing star to help me decide what I should really do. But, it’s pretty impossible and yet I am still hoping. It was just like hoping to see Kang-In… a super idol in Korea. How can such a random person like me be able to catch his attention?

Frustrated like a desperate ballet dancer aged 56, I just close my eyes, prayed and forced myself to sleep.

Memory 15: A Product Of Boredom & Extreme Imagination

I think I started this "fan fiction" almost 2 years ago. I had nothing to do and I was into role playing games with my friends before. We were writing about ourselves mixed with the lives of our favorite KPOP idols and groups. Even creating families... It was a product of our extreme imaginations.

Here's Chapter 1 of my unfinished fan fiction project...

CHAPTER 1

Heart’s Unravel the Missing Part

It was a sunny afternoon that day at the park. I went up the hill to where a big tree was located. I am lucky to have the shade of the big tree, peace and silence all for myself. I needed time to think about my life and who I've been for the last 25 years. But, as I look at the wonderful scenery in front of me, I felt I need to write about my future. Time passes by quickly and maybe the next thing I knew, the once wonderful scenery will be a devastated sight.

As I move my pen, I let my inner being push it until there is nothing to write on anymore. There is a lot of things running on my mind and reflecting every relationships and experiences with them made me cry and feel sad. There was a moment that I wanted to stop because the emotions were rushing in too much and I can't contain it anymore but, there is an unknown force pushing me more and more until I felt my hand twitched. My pen was nowhere to be found. I only have my notebook in my hand, as I busily look for my missing pen. I realized I have to get over it and continue with my other pen. I was surprised when I tried to find the end part of my work. All along I thought it was a story but it was a work of art, an illustration of what's running on my mind the whole time I was sitting under the big tree. The only thing that I can comprehend with my work is that I am wearing a dress. Not a typical one that is worn on a usual outdoor appointment or whatever but, something grandeur and astonishing. As soon as the picture sinks in, I realized I was wearing a wedding dress and next to me was a tall guy, Asian-looking, strong and full of conviction. I don’t know his name but his image is stuck in my head.

I smiled and burst into laughter. What I did is something unusual and I considered myself as a freak after that.

I stood up and grabbed my things and head to the bus stop. While walking, I checked my watch and sighed. It’s already 8:49 P.M. and the next bus ride will be at 10 P.M. And so, to kill time, I went to the nearest internet café to have my work scanned and post it in my blog site. While heading to the café, I passed by an electronic shop where lots of television sets were displayed. The flat screen television was showing a live performance of a boy group. They were Asian-looking, has a good sense of fashion and great dancers. One performer caught my eye. He looked familiar. My jaw dropped and my heart was startled with the person on the TV. He is same person I drew in my notebook. He is the man beside me in the drawing. I rushed to the café and immediately sat on the first computer unit beside the door. I handed my notebook to the staff and had it scanned and printed it for me. I didn’t post it in my site anymore. I went to a browser and looked for that person. I really need to know who he is but, I don’t know where to start because I don’t know his name. I ran back to the electronic shop and asked the staffs there if they know the name of the boy group that they are playing on the flat screen. Thankfully, the manager knew their name. They were Super Junior. I got shocked at first with their name but then, my main goal was to know that person’s name. I thanked them and went back to the internet café. I typed in the name Super Junior and millions of results flashed right in my face. I didn’t imagine they were famous. I looked for the members’ names and profiles and voila! I found his name, KIM YOUNG WOON but he is famously known as KANG-IN. He was in the business for a long time already, about five years now.

I began to feel muscles contract in my face. Oh! I was smiling, tremendously with blushing cheeks and cold hands. It’s like love at first sight. I stared at one of his pictures where he was smirking, an evil smile but very endearing. I was like that for an hour or so when I heard a bus honking outside. I regained back my senses, took the print out of the picture, paid my expenses and left.

I ran to reach the almost closing door of the bus. Thank God! I made it. I sat down beside the window. As the bus passed by the main road, we stopped near the bay walk. I noticed a sweet young couple. Initially, I feel happy for them but eventually, I felt envious. If I had someone beside me, like the sweet young couple, it would have been a memorable bus ride home. Having the person you love beside you, makes you feel secured. I can’t stop thinking about Kang-In until I reached home.

While walking inside our subdivision, I took out my iPOD and listened to the first song that will play. I noticed the stars. I remembered Kang-in’s smile, very bright that gives you a light mood. I reached the gate of our house. I entered silently, passed through the hallway to the stairs and up to my room. I made no sound. I dropped my stuffs and knocked on my parents’ room to say that I am already home. I relaxed for a bit and took a shower. While showering, I received a call from my cousin asking me to wait for him at the gate. I dressed up and I brought my iPOD, phone and scanned picture with me. I sat beside the gate, in a big stone near the mail box. I played Mark Anthony and Tina Arena classic “I want to spend my lifetime loving you.”

I started imaginings things I shouldn’t imagine. I imagined I was singing the female singer in the duet while my Prince Charming was singing the male part. In my head, it was phenomenal performance. Standing ovation and the clamoring crowd gave me the nerves but Prince Charming held my hand and the nervousness went away. As I look toward Prince Charming, I saw Kang-In’s face.

I don’t know. He is suddenly just everywhere. What does this mean? Am I completely out of my mind? I randomly sketched this man (which I thought was a story I was writing) wearing a suit next to me in a wedding. I stopped the music and asked myself what the hell is wrong with me.

Then, someone knocked. It was my cousin, Michael. I helped him carry his stuffs and put them at the hallway near his room. He entered and said goodnight. I waved goodbye and winked goodnight to him. I know he is much exhausted than I am. I went to my room and stretched out on my bed. The moment I felt the silence, I remembered him again. I prayed and for a time, I forgot about him. I prayed fervently for my family, friends, and career and for myself. I didn’t notice that it was longer than the usual. Though I had in mind that it is the same prayer I always recite before I sleep. But, I easily recognized that it was longer and much, much longer that I fell asleep. The last thing I remembered was Korea. What about it then?

Memory 6: 5th of July 2010 (Roller Coaster)

I wrote this on the 17th of July 2010, 12 days after he entered the army. I was really sad to know that he'll be away for two years. I was worried about his family that time. He went through a lot of controversies and maybe enlisting in the army will be the solution for him to learn his lessons. I believe he learned a lot now. 

Before anything else, I am a huge KPOP fan especially Super Junior since the release of Don't Don (2008). But I'm exposed to Korean culture since Stairway to Heaven and Endless Love, two of the best Korean drama series was dubbed and aired here in the Philippines. When I started to be more curious about Korea and being the music lover that I am, I got interested with KPOP. So to cut the long story short, I noticed Kim Youngwoon, famously known as Kangin of Super Junior and the rest is history.

TODAY MARKED THE END OF HIS TWO-YEAR MILITARY SERVICE. KANGIN'S BACK!! WELCOME BACK MY LOVEY!! :)

WARNING: This was a product of my intense admiration for him. Hihi. I really felt sad when he decided to enter the army. Yes, I'm one of the ELF who really cried when he finally entered on July 5.

I want to give up. I want to give up on you. All of these are just my imaginations. If there’s a slight chance for it to be real, I am risking my life.

I want you. I love you. But love is not enough for it to work. I am alone. One-sided love, that is.

Could you make time for me when we meet? Could you look at me when I professed my love? Would you accept me? Reject me? Would you give me the chance to be with you? Would you?

I want to give up my feelings but you are attached to my heart too tight. I divert my focus to other things, but at the end of the day, I still go back to you. You are like a drug. Damn it. I am addicted to you.

No one owns you; neither I. For sure, when I step on the land of your country, I am just nobody. I cannot compete with them. They know you too much and I don’t. I just love you. Would that make me stand out among the rest? I love you. I love you. Isn’t it enough?

A lot of things came up. I don’t know what to believe until they released an official statement. So it’s true? I felt numb for awhile. I didn’t want to believe them. Could I just hear it from you?

You came out with your head bowing down so low. I cried, my love. Just smile for me. I understand how you feel.

A wave of pain struck my heart. My love, please give me the chance to comfort you. Don’t cry. Please smile again.

I drowned myself with liquor. The tears I cannot suppress anymore. It’s just too hard to bear. Sorry. I am too weak.

My friends embraced me saying that it will be alright. I am positive you’ll be alright. You’re strong, aren’t you? But me, who sees beyond your smiles, feels that you are not really okay. If I could take away your pain and make it mine, I will do it for you my love.

It’s been nine months. Still, the feeling lingers, but I won’t get tired of waiting for you.

When I see you again, please wear that smile I love. I will feel better when I see that. I will be happy. All I want is for you to be okay and I will be fine.

It’s a roller coaster for me. To love someone like you, it’s not new to me. I am an expert in one-sided love. But for you, it’s different. I have given a lot and I know it’s not good. You’re my only vice; the vice I won’t give up now.

HE IS MY SUNSHINE. He inspired me to write this.

You came back, as promised. I held onto his words and he's back!!

KANGIN HWAITING~ SUPER JUNIOR HWAITING~ ELFs HWAITING~!!

Memory 1: Waves Of Pain (Blue Heart)

I wrote this two years ago after listening to some "emo" music. I was thinking of a dear friend and suddenly felt an urge to write about what I feel for him. Yes, I admired my friend and developed feelings for him. I liked him more than a friend and this was a product of my innermost feelings for him. I never had the courage to tell him right away. It took me two years before I finally gave my confession letter on our graduation day. Also, I think this would be a perfect reflection of me, growing up. I always boxed myself and never really risked anything. I was always afraid of something when I was young. I still have those fears but I think I can handle them better now. 

So here's a bit about my childhood and my admiration to a dear friend "blue heart."

Heart's laid on the palm of the man she adores, wishing he takes her into his arms and love her. But, that doesn't happen all the time; some things are not bound to happen. No matter how hard you push yourself, if he won't take you in, you cannot do anything about it anymore. 


A woman then unveils her mask and a face of a hurting child is revealed. Love caught her off guard again and again; there is nothing else she can do but break down. Despite everything, you will always see her smiling as though nothing happened, as if she never felt any pain. A face of a hurting child is kept once again as she puts back her mask and deceives everyone that surrounds her with an endearing smile.

Pain agonizing her each time she put up a face opposing her real self. It is against her will to be someone else but the world is pushing her to the limits. She is weak, too vulnerable to fight back. She has been battling with herself and another war is too much to bear. She draws strength from the mask she wears. This mysterious and powerful mask keeps her distant to all that surrounds her. The mask must be more than just a glitterati or odd one. Did she sell herself to the devil? Questions will only be questions unless someone answers it. 


Yowling with pain as she mentions the name of the one she loves brings a wave of pain in her heart, mind, soul and every bit of her. She surrenders the moment she speaks about him. There is no one else that removes that mask but him. The reason why she cannot win the battle within herself is because her heart is not with her, metaphorically. The man, who rejected her heart, is where she left it. She expects nothing in return for she is already satisfied with the rarest encounters she have with him. But, when will it come to an end? The waves of pain come like a snap of a finger. This fight will not end unless she takes one step forward and end it herself. 

Probably, she is confused by her own words. She is a battleground where she battles with her heart and mind. Her heart is where the child dwells, where the truth and pain hand-in-hand resides, the purest and truest of her. Her mind is where the mask overpowers her, cradling her superficial imaginings, disappointments and frustrations, the feelings she cannot suppress. The cure is within her heart. If she cannot find it, it may be the end of her.

Love is just one side of her and yet it takes her all in. How can love overpower her this way if there is no concrete reason at all? Everything she draws from abstraction. Is the man she speaks about only a product of her imaginations? What is real? What is unreal? I am now disoriented with her thoughts. With this, I give up. Would you take a chance and explore her story?