Memory 23: When I Can't Write

This calls for a "back to my memory lane" free pass. I already wrote something about giving music a chance again after letting it stay in the backseat for some time. I think it's my second or third post here (Check Blog Archives). I just want to balance everything that I want to happen in my life. Mark my words -- I'M GOING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN!

Sun rays filled my room and touched my face to wake me up. The different warmth made me realize that it's another jobless day. Another home alone drama for me. 

I opened my computer to check any replies from different media outfit. But none came. Maybe it's not my lucky day.

I tried to amuse myself with social networking sites. But it only reminded me how lame my day would be again. I went downstairs and had breakfast with myself. The television kept entertaining me while I and my lonely oatmeal exchanged sad stories. Fun, isn't it? Felt like an old maid there. 

I lay down on the sofa and thought about everything. I am a fresh graduate, jobless, and lonely. How exciting but depressing at the same time. I just know there's something wrong with me. 

I reevaluated myself for the past four years. What have I been doing? I'm writing. Is it even my dream? No. Then why am I here? I don't know.

The summer heat got me nostalgic. I remembered the days when I would scream on top of my lungs that I will be a singer-songwriter someday. I thought about dancing too. And yes, I dreamed to be a performer. 

None of those dreams came to life. Maybe not today. Guess being a writer paved a different direction to my life. But unlike other writers out there, I am unsure of this direction. 

Every single day since I entered Journalism school, I always encountered a writer's block. I can't write anything. Or even think straight. I don't know how I managed to finish four years but a miracle just happened there. 

When I can't write, I listen to music. When I can't write, I sing my heart. When I can't write, I relive my dream in my heart. That's when I feel motivated. When I remember music, I feel inspired.

The sun is about to set and I stand here in the middle of the room. The lights are about to dim and so my hopes to have a job before summer ends. 

But my dreams of becoming a singer-songwriter will not dim with the lights. It will only shine brighter and will push me to this new direction -- a direction that I am willing to pursue no matter what even if I'm not a damn good writer.

Memory 2: My Love, My Kiss, My Heart

Wrote this last year, November 5. I was browsing cover songs on YouTube when I realized that my dream to be a singer didn't die. Yes, I was focusing on my future career as a writer especially that time that I'm cramming for our thesis and other requirements. I was so into finishing all the paper works given to us and one day, I missed my music life. I missed MHX jammings or just singing in our bathroom with my player on. I did set aside my dream to become a singer for practicality. Singing is a profession but I think that I should do something else. 

So here's my reflection last year...

Dreams don't die. As long as the passion is there, dreams will continue to live on.

I didn't let my dreams die while I finish my Journalism course. I didn't let music behind the back seat for nothing. I will wait for the right time.

I always wanted to be a singer. Ever since I was a kid, I would perform in family reunions. I would sing or dance just to entertain my family and relatives.

As I grow up, my interests have changed but music will always be with me. Music is my comfort zone. It is something that eases my heart from pain and my mind from bad thoughts. Music is everything to me but I had to set it aside to try something else.

For me, writing is second to music. It's a hobby. My cousin suggested trying something out of my comfort zone. And so, I pursued Journalism in college. It gets tougher and tougher every semester and the doubts kept bombarding me. There was a time that I wanted to shift to another course. I told myself, writing is not for me.

I tried to catch up and did my best but my flaws in writing cannot be denied. During OJT days, my fear intensified. I may not be able to pass since I will be working in a refutable publication. I did my hardest and even if it meant having no proper sleep, I gave my best. Fortunately, I was able to finish my internship, maybe not with the best articles, but with pride that I made it. Also, I learned to be independent. I went to different places, most are new to me, and that taught me to be the modern day "Dora The Explorer" (hahaha!).

Now, I felt like I've devoted a lot of time for writing. Still, music is everything to me. It is my refuge. I consider it as my friend who is with me during my ups and downs. It comforts me and assures me of a good day ahead. Even if I set it aside and it remained at the back seat for four years, it will always be right here in my heart.

Now that I'm in my last semester, I thought about music. After four years in Journalism, shall I give music a chance now?