Memory 19: A Confession To Remember & To Regret

Just wanna share. I've been keeping my thoughts to myself. I want to vent this out to shake off the frustrations. Hoping for the best -- that this feeling will be gone...soon.

I liked a guy who always smiles and exuded warmth to everyone that surrounds him. I liked him for he was thoughtful and funny. Liked. Was. Everything is all in the past now. Let me take you 3 years ago...

Physically, I like guys who are big, sort of bum. Chubby is a perfect fit. I'm into guys who have cute smiles and wit. I just fell in love with these physical characteristics whenever I see them. Personality wise, I just want someone who is responsible, funny, and respectful. I'm not choosy, right? What I look for in a guy is not hard to find. I am right. I found him. The perfect fit.

He was a classmate in one of my classes. I couldn't remember how or when but we clicked. On our first outdoor trip, we went to school together. Because we were earlier than the call time, we decided to have breakfast at a fast food chain. We sat across each other and felt like it was a date. We chatted and discreetly ate our meal. Of course, we were shy then.

After breakfast, it drizzled outside. Being the lazy person that I am, I ran outside without any umbrella. But he called me back while pulling something out from his bag -- an umbrella. He said in Filipino, "Ano ka ba. Magpayong tayo. Bawal magkasakit." He smiled at me and angled the umbrella to share it with me. I shyly said thank you and we went back inside the campus. He was struggling with his bag but he kept on holding the umbrella for me.

Upon reaching the bus, we placed our bags on the 3rd row, left side. I had the window side. That time, I felt secured. It is something that you feel when a man takes the side where the cars are coming when crossing the street; that kind of security.

We barely talked because it's a little awkward. He fell asleep and so I just listened to music. Random thoughts popped inside my head -- the what if's. I couldn't help it. He was just the ideal that I was looking for.

He even shared his utensils and lunch with me when he knew I didn't bring any packed lunch for the trip. I gave him one cheesecake as gratitude. He ate it in one bite.

On our second outdoor trip, we grew really close. We shared the same activity, walked and sit together all the time, and whispered things while everyone's busy with their own activities. I remembered I anchored my elbow on his knee while his arm rested on my back. We were sitting next to each other that time.

He was late that day and kept me waiting for 30 minutes. He was really sorry and paid for my tricycle ride. I hesitated but he insisted. Anyway, all throughout the day he was really sweet and nice. We spent more time together that day and even took the same route to our respective houses.

But it will take me forever to go further into the details. To cut the looooong story short, I fell for those sweet and nice actions. I started liking him. So let us fast forward to March 2012. Hihi.

Last year, I decided to write him a letter -- a confession. I just wanted to leave everything in college and even the feelings that grew for him. I wanted to be honest with him. So the day came, March 30, 2012.  As soon as the graduation rites ended, I gave him my letter. He gave me his graduation picture and smiled. He accepted the letter and asked me for a hug. It was a little tight and from there, I figured it out that he already knew what the letter meant. I felt relieved and sad -- I was able to say what's on my mind and heart but that would be the end of this college admiration.

After almost three weeks, I messaged him just to ask how he was doing. But until now, there's still no reply. I tried if he would talk to me but maybe when he read the letter and because I ended that part of my life, he ended our friendship in return. It was painful that when I became honest, I lost a good friend. His silence made me feel regretful. I should've kept my silence even if I would carry the feelings I have for him even after college. Or better, I should've ignored the idea of writing to him.

I am frustrated and disappointed right now. But it will be gone for sure. Time is all I need.

PS - What was written in the card was just one part of what I told him. I wrote a separate letter and told him everything I feel. Why I chose soul mate? It was because I felt I was Jandi. I like my soul mate, Jihoo but I know I have someone else whom I will truly love like Junpyo...in the future. :)

Memory 1: Waves Of Pain (Blue Heart)

I wrote this two years ago after listening to some "emo" music. I was thinking of a dear friend and suddenly felt an urge to write about what I feel for him. Yes, I admired my friend and developed feelings for him. I liked him more than a friend and this was a product of my innermost feelings for him. I never had the courage to tell him right away. It took me two years before I finally gave my confession letter on our graduation day. Also, I think this would be a perfect reflection of me, growing up. I always boxed myself and never really risked anything. I was always afraid of something when I was young. I still have those fears but I think I can handle them better now. 

So here's a bit about my childhood and my admiration to a dear friend "blue heart."

Heart's laid on the palm of the man she adores, wishing he takes her into his arms and love her. But, that doesn't happen all the time; some things are not bound to happen. No matter how hard you push yourself, if he won't take you in, you cannot do anything about it anymore. 


A woman then unveils her mask and a face of a hurting child is revealed. Love caught her off guard again and again; there is nothing else she can do but break down. Despite everything, you will always see her smiling as though nothing happened, as if she never felt any pain. A face of a hurting child is kept once again as she puts back her mask and deceives everyone that surrounds her with an endearing smile.

Pain agonizing her each time she put up a face opposing her real self. It is against her will to be someone else but the world is pushing her to the limits. She is weak, too vulnerable to fight back. She has been battling with herself and another war is too much to bear. She draws strength from the mask she wears. This mysterious and powerful mask keeps her distant to all that surrounds her. The mask must be more than just a glitterati or odd one. Did she sell herself to the devil? Questions will only be questions unless someone answers it. 


Yowling with pain as she mentions the name of the one she loves brings a wave of pain in her heart, mind, soul and every bit of her. She surrenders the moment she speaks about him. There is no one else that removes that mask but him. The reason why she cannot win the battle within herself is because her heart is not with her, metaphorically. The man, who rejected her heart, is where she left it. She expects nothing in return for she is already satisfied with the rarest encounters she have with him. But, when will it come to an end? The waves of pain come like a snap of a finger. This fight will not end unless she takes one step forward and end it herself. 

Probably, she is confused by her own words. She is a battleground where she battles with her heart and mind. Her heart is where the child dwells, where the truth and pain hand-in-hand resides, the purest and truest of her. Her mind is where the mask overpowers her, cradling her superficial imaginings, disappointments and frustrations, the feelings she cannot suppress. The cure is within her heart. If she cannot find it, it may be the end of her.

Love is just one side of her and yet it takes her all in. How can love overpower her this way if there is no concrete reason at all? Everything she draws from abstraction. Is the man she speaks about only a product of her imaginations? What is real? What is unreal? I am now disoriented with her thoughts. With this, I give up. Would you take a chance and explore her story?